This is a hard thing we are going through. We don't get much sleep, pumping is hard, and to top it all off I've hit the teary days post baby. I work hard to stay positive and some days are better then others. Today was a rough day.
When Lincoln was stable at the beginning we would go home and sleep in our own bed. I'd get up to pump and would call the nurse to get an update. Since he went through surgery he is still too unstable for me to feel comfortable leaving so we sleep at the hospital, but its not much sleep because I worry so much over how he is doing. I can't wait for him to be stable again so we can sleep easier. In his room there is a very comfortable chair that reclines quite nicely. We hunted it down in fact. So every afternoon I conk out on that for a few hours or minutes depending on how loud it is. The hospital staff has been so sweet to get us sleep rooms and help us out anyway they can. We recently found out there is a hidden slushie machine that the nurses use as a pick-me-up during the night shift. :)
I was so scared I would not be able to breastfeed because my mom struggled with it before finally just giving in to formula. Lucky for me everything is working right so we won't have to do formula. The only thing that I hate is the fact that every couple hours I have to go to a tiny closet or up 2 floors to a stall to pump. Ryan and I calculated that I spend about 4 hours a day in the "pumping station" as the nurses call it. That is a lot of time away from my baby and visitors. Its also a lot of time alone which is long and boring. I will admit that I've been lucky with pumping because we've been at the hospital so long (10 days now) I have had lots of resources who have helped me make the most of my pumping. We'll see what happens when Lincoln starts to actually breastfeed.
The last thing that has been tough is I am dealing with the hormonal change of post pregnancy while also dealing with lots of heavy ICU stuff. I was fine until they told us about his surgery day being pushed up to Wednesday. It all went downhill from there. Now I've reassured Ryan and the kind nurses that it is mostly just me being emotional and I'm really fine I just cry at everything. I mostly just tear up a lot. I teared up over chicken nuggets, I teared up over putting Batman socks on Linc, I teared up over not having a shower. I do cry, often at night, where it just hits me at how unfair it is that this little innocent child has to suffer through all these things. But then I have my loving husband to lean on. He has been so good at comforting me and getting me to calm down when I get hysterical. I am amazed at how strong he has been for me. I could not have done this without him.
Today was a hard day for me. I had to spend the night alone since Ryan had to go home so he could work early morning at Mountain View Golf Course. It was hard to say goodbye but I tried to be strong. Its important that Ryan keeps working and we're blessed that his jobs have let him have so much time off. After a rough night I woke up early to send my son into surgery again. This time they turned his CICU bedroom into an OR instead of wheeling him away. It was still hard to think of him on the operating table.
Lucky for me my aunt Jill and her family came to visit with me during the hour and a half wait. Jill, Craig, Kela, Rachel, and Kate kept me entertained. Sarah their oldest went to the Salt Lake Temple with their family reunion to do baptisms.
After their visit is when I really started to feel fried. My dad came but I had to go pump, then we had a meeting with Dr. Eckhauser so he could explain with pictures what happened in the OR. After the doctor came I scarfed down a bagel and cream cheese before jumping in the shower up at the Ronald McDonald Living Room. Then the unthinkable happened. I had given Ryan a list over the phone of items I needed for the next day. Ryan being the good husband that he is grabbed everything I told him to grab except he misunderstood me over the phone. He thought I said to bring my "hospital pants' (I kinda stole some hospital scrubs) but in actuality I asked him to bring me my "hospital panties" (I don't want to ruin any of my own). So there I stood after a lovely hot relaxing shower, I was overdue for a pumping session (Ladies you know what happens there) and I didn't have any underwear to wear. I started crying hysterically. I had completely lost it. I was over tired and over stressed. I quickly dressed in what I had and ran downstairs to pump again. After pumping I just needed to sit by my baby for a few minutes and calm down. But before I could do that I needed to eat so I could pump again in an hour. I ate faster then I thought possible (and I'm a teacher...we know how to eat fast) and rushed up to his bedside. I felt like I hadn't seen him all day long. Which I hadn't. As I sat by his bed I just felt that sudden calmness that makes you slow down and enjoy the moment. I just stared at him amazed at how crazy modern medicine is and how many miracles we have witnessed. After that my day turned around pretty quickly.
I got my nap. I was able to laugh with my husband about his mistake. I spent the rest of my day by my baby's side.
As hard as being at the CICU is its also got its perks. We've got free slushies. We don't have to make our beds. We get free meals thanks to the McDonald Living Room. We're meeting tons of friendly nurses, doctors and other staff. And the biggest perk of all is being able to forget all the chores in the world and just stare at my son without any guilt of what my house may or may not look like.
Update:
Ok now for today's update on Lincoln since I know he's the interesting one. This morning at 8am Dr. Eckhauser stitched his chest closed. Everything went well. They expected him to digress a bit due to the new arrangement for his body. Linc did digress a bit but surprised the nurses on how well he is recovering. They're going to do a test run with his breathing. They'll turn the ventilator down and let Linc try to breathe on his own. This is one step closer to taking it out. The night nurse just told me I might be able to hold him tomorrow! I was shocked at that one since he still has tubes going in every single part of his body minus his left leg. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
The tux is gone. His chest is all closed up now. They put wires on his sternum to hold it back together since they split it in half for the surgery. The bone will grow around the wires. The human body's ability to grow is miraculous. Surgical steel can't stop it from growing.
He opened his eyes more today. He kept them open almost an hour while the night nurse rearranged his bed and gave him a bath. I love when the nurses keep his wires and tubes organized.
We also got a cute sign today from Child Life, as well as a cute homemade pillow.
I am amazed at the little things they do here that make such a difference. Yesterday we got a little teddy bear with a heart on it as well as a parents guide to all things cardio. We've also been given most anything we ask for. Forgot toothpaste, they've got it. Dry hands from all the washing and sanitizing, they'll grab you lotion. Fall asleep without a blanket, wake up with one on. This really is a top notch hospital. They plan for the whole family not just the patient. Thus if any of you are looking for a charity to donate to Ronald McDonald House is a good one or Primary Childrens is also worth their weight in gold.
Sorry for the long rambling post but I had to be honest. Being a parent is hard, starting off parenthood in the ICU is overwhelming. But I have found that when I'm having a hard time dealing I start listing off the blessing and miracles we've seen and my heavy heart is filled with the calming Spirit. It sounds corny but its what I've found that really works.
Thank you for all your prayers and other acts of kindness. Ryan, Lincoln and I have definitely felt the power and strength they give us.
